What would have separated me from Amanda Todd? Very little, actually

On October 10, in Port Coquitlam, a fifteen-year-old girl named Amanda Todd took her own life after years of horrific online and in-person bullying. She documented her personal hell in a YouTube video. I have chosen to post this video because according to the Vancouver Sun, Amanda’s mother, Carol Todd, believes that Amanda would have wanted the video to be used as an anti-bullying tool.

[Note: Please make your decision about whether or not to watch this video carefully. If you choose to watch it, you will be watching a young girl in incredible pain. Also, I urge you not to read the comments. For some reason posts like Amanda’s are a common target for trolls.]

After watching Amanda’s video last night, I lay awake and thought about my own junior high and high school years. I wondered what separated me from her, what had spared me from committing her desperate actions when I was a teenager.

The answer? Very little. Luck mostly. Like a large number of people my age, in high school I was no stranger to isolation. I was no stranger to self harm. I was no stranger to suicidal thoughts (that never went anywhere, thank goodness). I was pretty cavalier with myself and my self worth. And only because I was having difficulty coping with the regular teen stuff: boys, my body, academic and athletic pressures at school.

Luckily for me, I was never bullied. No one laid a hand on me, physically or virtually. If I had been, I don’t know what would have happened to me.  If I, as a teenager already stretched towards my limits, had experienced the cruel and (quite frankly) ridiculous, uncalled for HELL that Amanda Todd was put through, I can’t say with confidence that I’d still be here. Even without bullying, being a teenager is damn tough. Add this kind of torture, and I think many of us would have been in pretty serious danger.

Luckily for me, the technologies (Facebook, live chat, and cell phones) that made Amanda Todd so vulnerable to attack and exploitation either did not exist, or were not widespread enough where I grew up to provide the opportunities for harassment and torment Todd’s bullies indulged in.

Luckily for me, I spent most of my teen years in a very small town. I’m sure that bullying did exist, but in a town this small it would have been virtually impossible for any bully to hide behind the cover of anonymity. Being from such a small, tight-knit school and community (where everybody knows everybody’s business) can have its drawbacks, but at least your friends in kindergarten are generally your friends for life, and even though I was lonely sometimes, I was never alone.

Luckily for me, I had sisters who always kept an eye out for me and always made sure I was okay. I had an army of two on my side no matter what I did or what happened to me.

Luckily for me, the lack of technology and my physical isolation out on the Prairie meant I did not have the opportunity to make the so-called “mistakes” Amanda Todd mentions in her video as bringing on the abuse. With the kind of self-esteem teenaged girls generally have, I don’t really think many young girls (myself included) would have acted very differently in Amanda’s shoes. Who can truthfully say that all of their decisions between the ages of twelve and fifteen were good ones? Thanks to the internet, childhood decisions can hound people for the rest of their lives.

So I’m lucky. So incredibly effing lucky I feel sick about it. I feel sick that it took this poor child’s death (yes, she was just a child when all this happened to her) to show me this. What separated me from Amanda Todd or teens like her? Very little. Incredible good luck.

And now I have to ask myself, what separated me from the bullies that mercilessly and relentlessly abused Amanda Todd? I’d like to say a lot. I’d like to say there is a big difference between me and them. I think I was a good person, generally. I don’t think I ever bullied anybody. But I was a smartass with a big mouth. I did gossip. I did tell mean jokes sometimes. So I would like to say to anyone I may have hurt in high school: I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you feel shitty. That was wrong. I have no excuse but my own insecurity and ignorance. I hope I will raise my kids to be stronger than I was and teach them that making someone else feel awful is never okay.

I hope I will raise my kids to understand how to protect themselves on the internet. And I hope I will raise my kids to understand that there are human beings on the other side of every nasty internet message or post they may wish to fire off. That using the internet to bully rather than your fists doesn’t make your hands any cleaner.

I hope I never forget what it was like to be a teenager. I know very few of us will forget Amanda Todd.

If you are a young person who is experiencing suicidal thoughts, or you know a young person who may be in crisis or thinking of suicide, please know that help is available. Here in BC, you can contact Youth In B.C. via anonymous chat on their website at youthinbc.com or by telephone at 1-866-661-3311 (604-872-3311 in the Lower Mainland). Help is available 24/7. You don’t have to face this alone.

Invisible Suffering (and what we can do)

Van Gogh’s Room at Arles

According to the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA), “approximately 1 out of 4 people know someone who died by suicide.”, which is a frighteningly high number of people confronted with shock and grief at the sudden loss of their friend or loved one. This post is an acknowledgment not only of the distress experienced by those who attempt or complete suicide, but also of the incredible loss experienced by those left behind.

I have been so fortunate in my life that I am able to say, and believe, that the world is a beautiful place and that life holds glorious things. But the sad truth of the matter is that the world is also full of pain, and for many people (more people than you’d think), the weight they have been forced to carry (by tragic events, an illness, etc.) is more than they can bear. Do not mistake this for weakness, selfishness, or ingratitude. This is simply suffering. Regardless of where it is found–in an old person, in a young person, beneath a tough exterior or behind a smile, it is suffering.

An important tenet of most (if not all) systems of ethics and morality is that people should, if possible, attempt to alleviate the suffering of others. This tenet does not extend only to those who are physically and financially suffering, but to those who may be suffering mental and/or emotional illness and distress as well. Unfortunately, unlike visible suffering such as physical illness or poverty, mental and emotional distress is often invisible–a secret pain closely guarded by the sufferer.

Unlike with visible suffering, there is no obvious solution—if we saw someone bleeding we would give them a Band-Aid. If a friend was ill we’d cook for them or offer to watch their kids for a while. But if someone is in mental or emotional pain, we seem to clam up, unsure of how to help, or if we should. If the sufferer doesn’t tell us they’re in pain, we often don’t even realize there is a problem in the first place.

When I say that it is our responsibility to try to alleviate suffering, I am not by any means condemning those who were not able to prevent the attempted or completed suicide of a friend or loved one. In any tragedy, several complicated factors are at play and seeking to lay blame with those who are left behind will only further stigmatize issues surrounding mental health and suicide.

So what can we do to help someone, especially if we don’t always know who is in need of our help? First and foremost, I believe we should remove once and for all the stigma surrounding suicide. In recent years, several brave families have decided not to hide the cause of their loved one’s death and have brought mental health and suicide into our consciousness (in the media, in our communities, etc.).  Suicide is not an attention-seeking dramatic act perpetrated only by “crazy” people.  It is a desperate act committed (and attempted) by human beings of various ages, lifestyles, backgrounds, and cultures. What these people have in common is that they are in pain. The more we acknowledge that this pain exists, the less we try to sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn’t happen, the more likely it is that those experiencing this pain will share their troubles with someone and seek help and support. Knowledge is power, and the more we know about suicide and mental health, and about what those around us are going through, the more we can help each other or ourselves.

To that end, I have come across some links which may be helpful:

If you are concerned that someone you know may be considering suicide, the CMHA’s website has a very informative page on suicide prevention. According to the CMHA, “There is almost no risk that raising the topic with someone who is not considering suicide will prompt him/her to do it.” so even if you’re wrong about a person’s intentions, it can’t hurt to talk about your concerns and let them know that you care about what happens to them.

In addition to the information above, on their “Media Guidelines” page, the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention (CASP) asks that the following information be included when someone (like me) is writing about suicide:

Warning Signs of Suicide

  • Suicide threats
  • Statements revealing a desire to die
  • Previous suicide attempts
  • Sudden changes in behaviour (withdrawal, apathy, moodiness)
  • Depression (crying, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, hopelessness)
  • Final arrangements (such as giving away personal possessions)

What to Do

  • Discuss it openly and frankly
  • Show interest and support
  • Get professional help
  • Call your local Crisis/Distress Line

If you are considering suicide, please know that help and support are available. To locate a crisis centre nearest you, please visit the “Find a Crisis Centre” page on the CASP website (suicideprevention.ca). To give you an idea of how important your life is, on CASP’s website there are 27 different organizations listing Crisis Lines in the province of BC alone. I urge you to reach out to one of these resources and/or a loved one.

Unfortunately, even with our best intentions, we cannot always prevent tragedy. For the survivors of suicide (i.e. those left behind), CASP provides information for those trying to cope with grief after a suicide. Their site also provides information and resources for helping you find Survivor Support. Like the crisis centres mentioned above, you can find these resources listed by province.

As with the suffering of those who attempt or complete suicide, it is important to remember that the survivors of suicide are suffering as well. If your friend or loved one has become a suicide survivor, the most important thing you can do is listen, without judgement, without “solutions”, and without pushing them to talk.

I wrote this post with the purpose of supporting an environment where anyone, no matter what their reason or background, will feel safe reaching out and seeking help for what they are going through. Sometimes this means seeking professional help and there is nothing shameful about this. Yes, the world may be full of a lot of pain but it is also full of people who want to help lighten the load, and professionals who have the tools to do so.

I am aware that Mental Health Week is in about a month’s time (May 7-13) but this post couldn’t wait–every week is the right week to try to alleviate any suffering you find, whether the suffering is your own or that of a friend.

Disclaimer – This post is technically an opinion piece, a result of my desire to minimize harm using the tools I have available to me (which include this blog). The information I have provided appeared on either the Canadian Mental Health Association or the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention’s website at the time of posting. I am not a mental health professional, and the content of this post is not a substitute for the assistance of a mental health professional.