‘Twas the night after Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.
The stockings were hung by the mantle for show
The presents were open; there hadn’t been snow.
The in-laws were chatting and drinking some booze
And looking at smartphones and reading the news.
And TC in his sweater and I in my smock
Were draped on the couch watching holiday schlock.
When on the TV there was shouting and guns–
Time to watch “Argo”–fine holiday fun!
Up to the flat screen I gave my attention
Ready to hold disbelief in suspension
(I’ve seen “Argo” before and I know it has flaws
But that’s kind of what happens when Ben Affleck is boss).
And what did my baby blue eyes now espy
But six Yankees holed up with a Canadian guy,
And a CIA agent with such lame “hero affect”
I knew in a moment it must be Ben Affleck.
More rapid than pigeons the actors they came;
We ate jujubes and heckled and called them by name:
“Now Affleck, now Cranston, now Arkin and Goodman,
Now Garber, now Denham, now Clooney* and Cochrane!
From the top of the Oscars, to the top of the Globes
Congrats to you, all of you Hollywood folks!”
For a story as bold as an InTouch exclusive,
Where the celebs are all named but the source is elusive,
To the power of entertainment did history bow,
Accurate facts are a drag anyhow.
Audiences forgive these exciting transgressions,
When “based on a true story”, truth’s just a suggestion.
And just as the hostages were accused wrongly of spying
A beep told me my laundry was ready for drying.
A quick moment’s pause, then time for proceeding
John Goodman and co. were arranging a reading.
With a bunch of old Hollywood tricks in his pocket,
Alan Arkin played someone who knew how to hock it.
His eyes–how they twinkled! His bald head, so shiny!
How he hit on the actresses, and looked really slimy!
He’d a grumpy demeanor, but much like the Grinch
He came through when he had to, a bonafide mensch.
Back in Tehran things weren’t looking too swell
For the American hostages life was a hell
And for the six who’d escaped and gone into hiding
They had to leave soon–it was time for deciding.
It was sad to be them but I felt a bit blah
America probably shouldn’t have propped up the Shah.
With a glint in his eye and a beard on his head
Affleck told the six hiders they’d nothing to dread;
He gave them fake passports and got straight to work
But that one guy, Joe Stafford, seemed a bit of a jerk.
But due to some hotheaded Hollywood drama,
The mission was go, no thanks to Obama**.
They went to the airport, and with some good luck
The guards believed they were all just film-making Canucks.
And the stewardess said, as to safety they flew–
“We’ve left Iranian airspace; we can now serve you booze!”
* George Clooney did not appear in “Argo” but was a producer.
** Jimmy Carter was actually the U.S. president during the Iranian hostage crisis; obviously it was not Barack Obama.
Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night!